This is probably going to be the most confused, nonsensical,
laissez-faire
post I’ll have ever written but it’s going to reflect my state of mind for the
last 6 months. This post for any living soul out there who regularly reads my
posts will kind of explain my absence and just general lack of material.
I hate that I keep
comparing everything back to high school but that’s all I’m sure of compared to
the present day. So in high school I was the type of person who was very sure
of themselves, knew who they were and what defined them, understood my
attributes and how they manifested in reality and where I stood in the world of
high school. Now I feel like all that knowledge I had before is completely gone
because I’m now in a new environment and I haven’t come full circle in terms of
adjustment, self-awareness and feeling comfortable enough to truly immerse
myself in life and have experiences. I’m finding that all this confusion and
lack of answers is what I term as static silence- there’s no noise or that
voice that’s always reassuring and edging you on, reminding you of who you are
and why you’re going after something.
I find that having all this silence in your head sort of
interferes with your ability to create goals and plans because you have nothing
to mentally sound board ideas from .It kind of becomes like you have all these
ideas or thoughts but you have nothing to attach it or base it on. You think
well can I achieve this- am I capable? What makes me think I’m capable of for
example having a blog and making it into what I deem successful? Currently I
deem myself as just a wandering somebody with no direction, no tangible vision
and no immediate drive.
Having a sense of no direction, goals or well thought out
plans makes me feel like I have no potential left because I feel like I have
nothing going for me and I’m not creating an environment for me to have
something to chase after. A friend of mine helped me realise I’m telling myself
a version of the truth I want to hear and not reality or the real truth. The
real truth is if you don’t have any goals or solid plans you will feel like you
have no potential to achieve anything when really it’s simply undiscovered and
not non-existent.
So the consequences or manifestations of this confusion and
all the emotional and psychological stress is it somewhat leaves you feeling
paralysed from fear and lack of strength to push yourself to the limits of
self-awareness and discovery hence the deafening sensation. You’re trying to
stay alert and survive but nothing comes in, sinks in and stays there.
The consequence of all this for the blog is that feeling
mentally exhausted leaves you with no energy to experience life and from those
experiences are where inspiration for material comes from. With no material
there are no blog posts and hence there being nothing on this blog for the past
5 months or so. Other consequences are sort of going back to basics of a shell
with no fillings as in hobbies or drive.
There’s no use constantly discussing things with no action. I
know to get myself back to a good place where I feel comfortable and aware of
myself I have to literally throw myself into life and continually try/ attempt
to try to push myself out of my comfort zone.
So I’ve decided to sign up for dance classes, do something
about drama/acting which has always been a big part of me and my identity I
guess, a new FFF challenge however this time it’s 3S’s ( which I’ll talk about
in another post after this one ) , continue to work on my fitness and just
continue to push through it all, work on myself and just push through all the
uncomfortable and hard questions because at the end of it all if you’re not
better or stronger what was even the point?
I’m not sure if this at all made sense but I felt like
writing down exactly what’s going on so I can continue to make more sense of it
and perhaps someone out there gets this or has experienced something similar
before.
Comment below on ways/things that helped you find yourself
again and how you motivated yourself.
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