Can't seem to let it go...

Urban Dictionary, my favourite source of hip & to it definitions says a ‘grudge is a bad feeling or hate you hold against another person for something bad they did or you think they did to you.’ I will not lie, I am, I think in my circle of friends and most people I know, the Queen of Holding a Grudge. I can hold one for years and with the same intensity and practically have identical monologues every time it’s triggered. Sad, I know. Why do we hold grudges? What triggers it and why is it for some of us, we just can’t let it go?

Personally, I find the grudges I’ve held the longest and with the most intensity were those that evoked feelings of ‘worthlessness, inadequacy, betrayal’etc. really personal, deep down, gut wrenching emotions I reckon. It wasn’t and still isn’t for me what they did or what I think they did, it’s the way they made me ‘feel’.

Feelings and emotions are extremely powerful, they have the power to give a memory or experience more power than it deserves or needs credit. They are the basis of how we feel towards people and map our interactions with them.

I should probably give an example of my worst grudge right or what’s the purpose of me typing away at theoretical and conceptual ideas without some personal and practical application and experience?

Bear with me here, it will sound utterly ridiculous and shameful but anyways I had (notice past tense) this best friend from a church I used to attend during my late childhood and early tween years. We left the church when I was about 12 but this one particular friend and I stayed in touch and were very close. The first couple of years of high school for me were kind of tough (shall discuss those another time) as an extroverted person and so having that just one, close, intimate friend made things easier. Here’s the catch, she lived in Newcastle, whilst I lived in Sydney. For years, guuurrrrrllllll ,I’m talking almost all of my high school life, I was the instigator. I called, texted, emailed, facebooked at a ratio of about all to nothing. Obviously there was external circumstances that meant she couldn’t call but she had like 4 other modes of social media and contact. The entire time, I knew I was playing second fiddle to other girls who I knew and were great friends with in the church but I always told myself, ‘run your own race’. I complained all the time to my high school friends, wrote about it in my diary and had hiatus periods instigated by me that saw periods of static silence due to my defiance. By the time I got to year 11, I learnt my lesson, Bye Felicia!!, clearly we’re not prioritising each other in the same way.

The main issue was, I’ve always believed and still do, that relationships of any kind are a two way street, give and take. I was doing all the giving and it was not only exhausting and frustrating but it also made me feel inadequate and insecure, was I being an annoyance and holding on to a friendship that was not wanted?

You’re probably wondering where in all this mess, is the grudge, you upset she didn’t give you the attention you wanted? you weren’t number 1, suck it up? My problem was, once I got out of my feelings (mostly) that it was and still is a reminder of just how much time I wasted on someone who clearly didn’t deserve it nor want it or need it when I could have focused those crucial early years putting time and effort into people who probably actually wanted to be my friend. Equal attention.  I loathe people and situations that waste my time. Life is short, I aint got time to waste it on things or people that clearly don’t and didn’t matter.

Trigger points are seeing photos, or her name on facebook, things that remind you of the past and I usually just think, ‘gosh why did I waste so much of my time on you and look where it got me, no where’. The worst feeling is when you back away and that person doesn’t come chasing after you and all your fears of your inadequacy and worthlessness as a valuable friend come true.

I have no idea really why we hold grudges, I think it has to do with the impact another person leaves on us and sometimes it seems so painful and unfair that holding on and putting the blame and energy on that person makes it easier than cleaning up the mess they left behind. The more painful the experience was to an individual, the harder and longer it takes to let go. Because at the end of the day, we’re mad and infuriated at the ‘emotions’ you evoked in us without us knowing and the intensity with which we feel them scares us and it’s easier to put some blame on you.

You’re wondering, so have you let go of this or are you still holding on?  Pause for dramatic effect…90% there. The 10% is just forgiving my inexperienced, young, vulnerable and lonely self. I’ve dealt with all the other mess by repeating the same monologue a thousand times (my poor friends who listened endlessly yet with such love and care, the true heroines).

Do you tell the person about your grudge or at least let them know how they’ve affected you? No. Not a single peep. Their response if it doesn’t match your pre conceived notions will only make matters worse. She’ll never know just how much was hidden behind the laughs, you were a great friend no doubt, just not the friend I needed and wanted and that’s okay. She’ll probably know now if she ever discovers this blog haha lol, ohh dear.

Don’t let the past steal the magic of today.

You said it would be 'the best years' but you lied.

When I look back at high school and think about what first comes to mind, it’s the words, fun, friends, assured, self-aware and stress. I thoroughly enjoyed high school, now reflecting upon it almost 2 years later. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change a single thing except perhaps studying a little harder and not taking the HSC so seriously ( final exams of high school that determine your entry into university in New South Wales, Australia ). Now? Now I’m in a limbo better known as ‘university’. Some of you university students would describe it as organised chaos, chaos, organised or no idea. To everyone who said, ‘university/college will be some of the best years of your lives’…, you lied.

Because this is my own personal experience and I’m speaking for myself and not others, I have never felt more out of touch with myself than ever before. I’ve briefly touched upon this here .A discussion with one of my best friends one night, made me realise just how much I’m not really liking university at the moment because I’ve always used my settings to help establish my identity and self-awareness. So when I can’t grapple with the setting… cue sensations of confusion, lost identity, more confusion and general anxiety along with laziness.  And when you feel like you’re losing yourself or have simply lost the ability to tap into aspects of the real you, you focus your energy on blaming something that you feel is causing this.

In reality, I actually have what some would consider a great university life: I have a great circle of friends, and know lots of people, I go out here and there and I still have a great, loving, present and supportive circle of high school friends. ‘So what’s the problem?’ you ask. Not really sure but here’s what I think I’m struggling with…

   1. Stability. I do a double degree in Science/Business. The friends I have in science, I only see once a week, my schedule can be very unforgiving in terms of scheduling catch ups.  You see a good friend you don’t hang out with normally once in a blue moon. There is no solid routine. I am a creature of habit and stability so this frustrates me a little.

  2. Connections. I don’t feel as in touch with the student body. Now I can take responsibility for this and say I don’t belong to any clubs or go to any uni parties. However, where y’all finding the time? Something must be lacking because I don’t see how you can fit it all in, great grades, great family life, great connections with high school friends, great connections with uni friends, achievers, extracurricular activities and jobs. You can’t tell me it’s all peaches and cream.

I’ve always been a very sociable person. By nature I’m an extrovert and a loud and chatty one at that. So for me and I feel like for extroverts when we lack stability and connections, it almost kind of sends us into a spiral, we lose that sense of self. I believe an extrovert’s sense of self is highly linked to a sense of stability within an environment and strong connections. With all this being said, I realise that my extrovert nature and tendencies feel most at home in environments that are familiar, stable and have strong connections. Perhaps that’s why I like to stay at home, and I absolutely love to see and constantly chat with my high school friends, it feels like home, they are home, it’s a comfortable, inviting and safe place.

At the end of the day, I would be discrediting the institution that is university if I was to say, I haven’t had any fun. I have. Truly. I just wish y’all didn’t gloss over other things, like heads up, you may start to feel lost and confused as you race toward your 20’s but it’s okay, it happens, things get more so unbelievably complicated, breathe, it’s alright, it has to. 

I wish you had said, ‘University will be some of the most challenging, rewarding yet best years of your life; stay awake and don’t waste them.’ Do I have a solution?, yes, of course, that’s what Fearless, Foxy and Fabulous is all about, see a problem, find a solution and fix it. Take the time to enjoy the confusion however uncomfortable, ride the wave in all its force and fight that mother of a beast until you finally get it, whatever the answer is that you’re looking for. No pain, no gain right?

Are You Prepared? // Being An Adult

If you’re 19 and on the verge of turning twenty at some point this year or already have, y’all  are experiencing what I call the ‘20 something disease/syndrome/conundrum/whatever’! Cos I am and I think it has a cast a spell over my creative juices and so ladies and gentlemen ( it does not discriminate this disease I like to think ) here are a few Top 5 lists of things that are stressing me, on my mind, clouding my judgement and forever stifling my last few precious days of innocence.

Top 5 Stressors

1. Am I in the right degree? ( yes, 2nd year and still confused )

2. Job security? Will I get a job after I graduate?

3. Will I secure an internship during my degree?

4. Am I networking enough?

5. Will I be able to buy a house when I want to? ( the current housing market in Australia is a mess, y’all should be sweating like me (or not because you’re probably sane) )

Top 5 Life Questions

1. Am I good daughter/sibling? Do I spend enough time with family? ( soon you might be married up and gone )

2. More importantly, am I good friend? Am I there? Am I present? Do I do enough?

3. When and will I get married? halllah wait, who though? Black, white, Asian, mixed, alien ( I’ve been asked this before but I’m down with the swirl cos everybody is beautiful *cue music* ) 

4. Who am I? What happened to the girl in high school? I don’t know who this alien inhabiting my body is anymore!!!

5. Am I in the right place? Am I doing the right degree, making the right choices and priorities?

How about one more y’all, the mother of them all….

6. Will I have enough time to get everything done? You can interpret that for yourself, friends.

Top 5 Nonsense/Trivial Things to worry over for nothing

1. Do people think I’m funny in a good way? I have a comedic/humorous bone right? More importantly am I keeper?

2. Do I sound stupid when I talk cos I mumble a lot?

3. Wonder if I have time this week to schedule in all my tv shows instead of studying…

4. Can I afford to buy yet another packet of Coles 6 pack, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies? or another Betty Crocker packet mix?

5. When will I lose my fabulous metabolism? What do people see when they look at me?

Clearly I’m one, confused puppet, if you share any of my concerns or have completely different ones, leave us a comment and let me know… (Please, I can’t be the only soul in the world thinking such things…or am I?)

Here’s a final, coherent thought…What is it about your 20’s or what is the perceived notion about your 20’s that has so many of us confused? 

Detox Cocktail with a spicy kick of reality: Expectations

Detox in modern day terms-( and no- not the name of the rumoured, has- not- even- been released  album by Dr Dre for those hip hop enthusiasts who might mistake this post as a rant about that ) -means a treatment designed to rid the body of poisonous substances especially alcohol and drugs.

Detox in my own terms means to rid the system (system being ourselves) of all toxic and foreign matter. The type of detox cocktail I’m going for here is more the social and psychological.

The biggest downfall for girls in all aspects of life is having expectations. Not saying that expectations are bad, but over fantasising and dreaming is what will eventually lead to heartache and distortion of reality.

One of the worst misconceptions about life made by girls is in the ‘love’ department. We watch movies, listen to songs, read books, hear about other people’s love lives and have grand expectations about love, how it happens, when it happens and who will be that boyfriend. The worst is girls having the expectation that at some point within their teenage phase they should obtain a boyfriend. Now let’s get real here ladies and gentlemen. Pop culture and other sources of knowledge would lead us to believe that dating in high school is a frequent and normal part of the experience for everyone. Lies.  A research done by Child Trends Data Bank an American organisation found that the levels of dating had actually dropped to 17% in 2012. Furthermore they went on to say that levels of 12th grade students who were not dating at all increased to 36%!!!. So in America, according to this report, more than a third of 12th grade students reported not dating at all, nothing, nah duh, all of highschool mates!

If the statistics,the American stats because I couldn’t find any on Australia but we’re similar so let’s just go with that ) show that less than half of the population lives the fantasy, why is it that we still long for this dream? I’m still trying to understand this myself but one factor is becoming clearer-mindset. It’s all about your frame of mind and how you allow yourself to think.

You have to make a conscious effort to actually reprogram yourself to reverse every expectation founded on fiction and misrepresentations of reality. Don’t expect to magically fix yourself overnight or a couple of months. It’s an ongoing process.

The only way to change or detox your mindset is to expose yourself to different materials and environments. Read more classical works that actually explore real and tangible themes. Don’t be afraid to do the ‘nerdy thing’. How will you differentiate yourself from the crowd if you’re like every other carbon copy on the dance floor? What makes life interesting is our differences and certainly not our ability to match our friends.

Here is a list of books to read that should hopefully start to widen your horizons on the possibilities of life other than romance and that oh so sweet high school romance or simply show the pitfalls of having way too many over the top expectations.

1. Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg
2. Act like a lady, Think like a Man by Steve Harvey ( there’s a  movie also-it’s great :) )
3. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

My number one tip to achieving this detox that overrules the above 3 suggestions is to actually try and stop yourself from day dreaming about how you will meet ‘him’, what he will be like, what you’ll be wearing, all the wonderful times you’ll  have. Because you are actually training your brain to not live in the present and so you aren’t actually living each and every day to its full potential. You are kind of walking around with sunglasses on set to only pick up particular wavelengths. Those wave lengths are what you’ve cooked up in your imagination. So when something magical or unexpected happens, when a guy who is probably exactly what you need not want, comes by, you will completely and utterly miss him because you aren’t fully aware and awake in that present moment.

And that’s how girls complain, they don’t have the life they wanted or the guy they need, or they will never meet someone because all these expectations they have, haven’t been met. No you probably have it all, you’re just not present enough to notice and that my friends is how time goes by and people leave and when we notice we are already two seconds too late.

An open letter to men (em creepers out there)

Boys, Boys, Boys, whoever told you that girls like a persistent guy and that, that methodology is guaranteed to wear her down & make her yours.
Lies.

Let me give it to you straight fellas, there is a certain breed of women out there who will tolerate such nonsense at the fear of breaking your fragile hearts until they reach a certain breaking point.

The persistent guys are usually the nicest, sweetest & at times the most caring of the lot. Now I hear some voices saying ' you girls, always go for the bad guys that will eventually break your heart'. Noooo, there are also practitioners of the persistence methodology who are 'bad'.

So ultimately it’s not about the guy really, it’s your never ending barrage of texts, calls and other forms of social media that drive us mad especially if we've friend zoned you multiple times & are not responsive. We stop seeing you for your positive qualities and instead see a parasite sucking out our soul & restricting our ability to speak.

Now there are several ways a girl will react after you've pushed her to the breaking point:

1. She will delete & block your contact
2. Get one of her best friends to reply to your texts in such a harsh tone you'll think the Wicked Witch of the West is real
3.She'll tell you straight out that she doesn't like you nor wants to date you 'ever'- major emphasise on 'ever'
4. She gets one of her guy friends to gently tell you 'back off mate'

In the end you get rejected for your unwavering persistence on a girl that never liked you back not because she doesn't like you as a person...well human being yes, parasite tendencies not so much.  You don't just lose us as potential romantic partners' boys, too much 'move making' and you lose us as friends as well.

So as women we vow to continue to be brutally honest when you drive us mad & to friend zone you endlessly.

So dear men, please give us some breathing space, if we like you back & want you, we will accept your advances...we ain't stupid & if you know she's the 'one' have a little patience, if it’s meant to be, it will happen in its own time, it always does.

Love the girl sick & tired of hearing from you endlessly.

Confidence is the key

If there is one thing I wish came in bucket loads and could be gifted to everyone when they are born it’s that one little word, aura, characteristic, personality trait: confidence. It’s the difference between; the ‘who wore it better’ contests at times, between saying hello to someone or passing them by, it’s the difference between taking a leap of faith and letting fate, or whatever you want to believe, in take control. Confidence is the key to succeeding in anything no matter how crazy and non-feasible the idea seems to the rest of the world.

Now I think we all have the capacity to be confident, for some it comes easier than others whilst for other people it’s like a muscle, it has to be trained to function and grow stronger. You have to start with the little things, like actually believing in your ability to be an engaging and interesting person. No, I don’t mean having an ego and thinking you’re all that, I mean believing that you are capable of holding your own in any experience. Because what do you think is the one thing stopping people or yourself from trying new things or making new friends? The fear that you won’t measure up to that other person’s unforeseen, unknown expectations.

I’m currently in my 2^nd year of university and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever lose the capacity to believe that I can be an engaging and interesting person and wind up feeling completely lost. So how did I write the two paragraphs above if I’m constantly in a never ending funk of confusion, perceived boredom, lack of inspiration and drive? It’s because I remember what it was like to be the more confident version of myself. I found it so easy to just smile at strangers or see someone and think I’m going to go up to them and say hello and see where it goes. I remember what it was like to have goals and have the confidence and assurance that I could achieve them by the due date. I remember what it felt like to be sure about myself, where I was coming from and where I’m going.

Now, in this world of post high school, trying to find one’s feet and placement in this world, blurred lines of what achievement means, seeking fulfilment and social media bringing your competition closer to your bubble than what’s remotely comfortable or bearable it’s easy to feel trapped, lost and stuck.

I’m sure I’m not the only one facing such issues. We leave high school but no one really prepares you for the reality of what newly minted adulthood means. My dad said people warn you about some challenges that you might face with friends, academic pursuits, work life but young people (-as the older, wiser generation refers to us-) never listen, understand or comprehend until they experience. Truth.

So I usually end every post with tips or ways that I think we can all improve on whatever topic  discussed but the truth is on this particular post I have no clue whatsoever myself because I’m not out of the gutter/the funk and back to the level of the 2 opening paragraphs. I’m slowly but surely crawling my way out.

So in light of this, perhaps I should share things that I find are helping me crawl out.

• Comparison is the thief of joy-Theodore Roosevelt. Need I explain it further? Stop comparing your life to your friends or people you see on social media, you just fall right back down into that hole/funk.
•  Regular journal/diary entries. Soothes the soul and keeps the crazy voices of doubt in your head at bay
• Regular exercise. Oxygen to your brain, ohhh wow think more clearly. Higher energy levels, more alert, increased productivity levels. You start to feel like you’re finally getting somewhere nearer to those goals.
•  Ownership of what’s getting you in a funk. Know your trigger points. March on forward with 20/20 hindsight.
•  Balance. Don’t let your life revolve around one thing. Go back to what used to inspire you, what you were once passionate about.

Knowledge from experience is to me crucial to moving forward and upward. The little confidence I have helped me start this blog with a small leap of faith. Imagine what you could do with your small ounce of confidence that will eventually grow.  Hang in there.

The Girl Who Never Learns From Herself and Others

As my mother always says, “always learn something from all your encounters”. Whether it is a party, a random encounter on the street, whatever the situation or event, never lose the opportunity to learn. I think this concept totally applies to not only your close friendship circle but also yourself.

This slightly brings up the old age argument of nature versus nurture. I think the two concepts are intrically intertwined. I am who am I because I was born this way and have certain predispositions but also I am who I am, from what I have absorbed from my surroundings.

Now some of us girls, seem to live in this perpetual cycle where we seem to not learn from the mistakes of our friends or our surroundings or worse, ourselves.

I’m talking about the girls who seem to make the same mistake over and over again, to the point of predictability yet we still get surprised as to why we are in the same position as last time. However we all fall under this category, we all can sometimes be so caught up trying or wishing to attain something that may not necessarily be meant for us or that we simply can’t attain.

That’s one of the main reasons; us girls never seem to learn from ourselves or from others because we are too caught up in chasing an ideal or a dream. Time to play the cliché card here but we all know chasing after guys for self-validation is the most common chronic mistake made by girls.  Kissing every frog on the planet doesn’t give you a prince ladies, it gives you herpes and a broken heart. The issue isn’t the frogs; it’s the princess who needs some time away to love herself before finding a prince.

Now, what do you do if you find yourself in this never ending cycle and you want to free yourself of your own supposed ‘stupidity’?

1. Stop idealising your life and wishing it was different. Accept the moment you are in now, be content that the present reality is your reality and no amount of idealising, wishing or dreaming can change that.
2. Know yourself. Be aware of your weaknesses and your triggers. Once you know yourself, you will find yourself removing yourself from situations or creating barriers to give yourself the best chance of not making the same mistake again.
3. Acknowledge that you won’t make it in this life if you don’t allow the people around you to help shape your character. Once you are aware that each and every day, the people you are interacting with are leaving a stamp on the letter that is your life, you will not only be richer in a sense but subconsciously learn to not make the same mistake themselves.
4. Understand that the only way to learn and be better is to make mistakes. Look at Oprah Winfrey, she wasn’t born as the Oprah Winfrey that people now know, over the course of her life she went through certain life experiences and made several mistakes. She learnt from them and look at where she is now.

I’m not saying that these 4 points above are going to make your life like an ‘easy, breezy, beautiful-cover girl’. No, that isn’t happening for neither of us. But I think following the above 4 steps will make you more stable, aware and comfortable within your own skin.

 Once you are comfortable and aware of your boundaries, you are more likely to jump into new experiences with a little foresight into how you might handle it, and the ability or knowledge to have a small inclining into potential outcomes will make learning those crucial lessons, easier and climb back up the ladder once you’ve fallen that much less painful every time. Because it’s like exercising a muscle, you start to know when to push it to its limits without breaking it or how to under do it and believe me, life becomes just that little less stressful and fearful and those mistakes when they come, you’ll thank your lucky stars you made them because now you know what you didn’t before and knowledge my dear friends is power.