You said it would be 'the best years' but you lied.

When I look back at high school and think about what first comes to mind, it’s the words, fun, friends, assured, self-aware and stress. I thoroughly enjoyed high school, now reflecting upon it almost 2 years later. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change a single thing except perhaps studying a little harder and not taking the HSC so seriously ( final exams of high school that determine your entry into university in New South Wales, Australia ). Now? Now I’m in a limbo better known as ‘university’. Some of you university students would describe it as organised chaos, chaos, organised or no idea. To everyone who said, ‘university/college will be some of the best years of your lives’…, you lied.

Because this is my own personal experience and I’m speaking for myself and not others, I have never felt more out of touch with myself than ever before. I’ve briefly touched upon this here .A discussion with one of my best friends one night, made me realise just how much I’m not really liking university at the moment because I’ve always used my settings to help establish my identity and self-awareness. So when I can’t grapple with the setting… cue sensations of confusion, lost identity, more confusion and general anxiety along with laziness.  And when you feel like you’re losing yourself or have simply lost the ability to tap into aspects of the real you, you focus your energy on blaming something that you feel is causing this.

In reality, I actually have what some would consider a great university life: I have a great circle of friends, and know lots of people, I go out here and there and I still have a great, loving, present and supportive circle of high school friends. ‘So what’s the problem?’ you ask. Not really sure but here’s what I think I’m struggling with…

   1. Stability. I do a double degree in Science/Business. The friends I have in science, I only see once a week, my schedule can be very unforgiving in terms of scheduling catch ups.  You see a good friend you don’t hang out with normally once in a blue moon. There is no solid routine. I am a creature of habit and stability so this frustrates me a little.

  2. Connections. I don’t feel as in touch with the student body. Now I can take responsibility for this and say I don’t belong to any clubs or go to any uni parties. However, where y’all finding the time? Something must be lacking because I don’t see how you can fit it all in, great grades, great family life, great connections with high school friends, great connections with uni friends, achievers, extracurricular activities and jobs. You can’t tell me it’s all peaches and cream.

I’ve always been a very sociable person. By nature I’m an extrovert and a loud and chatty one at that. So for me and I feel like for extroverts when we lack stability and connections, it almost kind of sends us into a spiral, we lose that sense of self. I believe an extrovert’s sense of self is highly linked to a sense of stability within an environment and strong connections. With all this being said, I realise that my extrovert nature and tendencies feel most at home in environments that are familiar, stable and have strong connections. Perhaps that’s why I like to stay at home, and I absolutely love to see and constantly chat with my high school friends, it feels like home, they are home, it’s a comfortable, inviting and safe place.

At the end of the day, I would be discrediting the institution that is university if I was to say, I haven’t had any fun. I have. Truly. I just wish y’all didn’t gloss over other things, like heads up, you may start to feel lost and confused as you race toward your 20’s but it’s okay, it happens, things get more so unbelievably complicated, breathe, it’s alright, it has to. 

I wish you had said, ‘University will be some of the most challenging, rewarding yet best years of your life; stay awake and don’t waste them.’ Do I have a solution?, yes, of course, that’s what Fearless, Foxy and Fabulous is all about, see a problem, find a solution and fix it. Take the time to enjoy the confusion however uncomfortable, ride the wave in all its force and fight that mother of a beast until you finally get it, whatever the answer is that you’re looking for. No pain, no gain right?