Urban Dictionary, my favourite source of hip & to it
definitions says a ‘grudge is a bad
feeling or hate you hold against another person for something bad they did or
you think they did to you.’ I will not lie, I am, I think in my circle of
friends and most people I know, the Queen of Holding a Grudge. I can hold one
for years and with the same intensity and practically have identical monologues
every time it’s triggered. Sad, I know. Why do we hold grudges? What triggers
it and why is it for some of us, we just can’t let it go?
Personally, I find the grudges I’ve held the longest and with
the most intensity were those that evoked feelings of ‘worthlessness,
inadequacy, betrayal’etc. really personal, deep down, gut wrenching emotions I
reckon. It wasn’t and still isn’t for me what they did or what I think they
did, it’s the way they made me ‘feel’.
Feelings and emotions are extremely powerful, they have the
power to give a memory or experience more power than it deserves or needs
credit. They are the basis of how we feel towards people and map our
interactions with them.
I should probably give an example of my worst grudge right or
what’s the purpose of me typing away at theoretical and conceptual ideas
without some personal and practical application and experience?
Bear with me here, it will sound utterly ridiculous and
shameful but anyways I had (notice past tense) this best friend from a church I
used to attend during my late childhood and early tween years. We left the church
when I was about 12 but this one particular friend and I stayed in touch and
were very close. The first couple of years of high school for me were kind of
tough (shall discuss those another time) as an extroverted person and so having
that just one, close, intimate friend made things easier. Here’s the catch, she
lived in Newcastle, whilst I lived in Sydney. For years, guuurrrrrllllll ,I’m
talking almost all of my high school life, I was the instigator. I called,
texted, emailed, facebooked at a ratio of about all to nothing. Obviously there
was external circumstances that meant she couldn’t call but she had like 4
other modes of social media and contact. The entire time, I knew I was playing
second fiddle to other girls who I knew and were great friends with in the
church but I always told myself, ‘run your own race’. I complained all the time
to my high school friends, wrote about it in my diary and had hiatus periods
instigated by me that saw periods of static silence due to my defiance. By the
time I got to year 11, I learnt my lesson, Bye
Felicia!!, clearly we’re not prioritising each other in the same way.
The main issue was,
I’ve always believed and still do, that relationships of any kind are a two way
street, give and take. I was doing
all the giving and it was not only exhausting and frustrating but it also made
me feel inadequate and insecure, was I being an annoyance and holding on to a friendship
that was not wanted?
You’re probably wondering where in all this mess, is the
grudge, you upset she didn’t give you the attention you wanted? you weren’t
number 1, suck it up? My problem was, once I got out of my feelings (mostly)
that it was and still is a reminder of just how much time I wasted on someone
who clearly didn’t deserve it nor want it or need it when I could have focused
those crucial early years putting time and effort into people who probably
actually wanted to be my friend. Equal attention. I loathe people and situations that waste my
time. Life is short, I aint got time to waste it on things or people that
clearly don’t and didn’t matter.
Trigger points are seeing photos, or her name on facebook,
things that remind you of the past and I usually just think, ‘gosh why did I waste so much of my time on
you and look where it got me, no where’. The worst feeling is when you back
away and that person doesn’t come chasing after you and all your fears of your
inadequacy and worthlessness as a valuable friend come true.
I have no
idea really why we hold grudges, I think it has to do with the impact another
person leaves on us and sometimes it seems so painful and unfair that holding
on and putting the blame and energy on that person makes it easier than
cleaning up the mess they left behind. The more painful the experience was to
an individual, the harder and longer it takes to let go. Because at the end of
the day, we’re mad and infuriated at the ‘emotions’ you evoked in us without us
knowing and the intensity with which we feel them scares us and it’s easier to
put some blame on you.
You’re wondering,
so have you let go of this or are you still holding on? Pause for dramatic effect…90% there. The 10% is just forgiving my inexperienced,
young, vulnerable and lonely self. I’ve dealt with all the other mess by
repeating the same monologue a thousand times (my poor friends who listened
endlessly yet with such love and care, the true heroines).
Do you tell
the person about your grudge or at least let them know how they’ve affected
you? No. Not a single peep. Their response if it doesn’t match your pre
conceived notions will only make matters worse. She’ll never know just how much
was hidden behind the laughs, you were a great friend no doubt, just not the
friend I needed and wanted and that’s okay. She’ll probably know now if she
ever discovers this blog haha lol, ohh dear.
Don’t let
the past steal the magic of today.
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